TEN TIPS TO START THE FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON WITH
Still unsure how to play this game of wank? Tired of the endless content saying PICK X or SUBSCRIBE TO Y? Do you even know what a fucking chip is?
Let’s dive in.
PICK PLAYERS WHO START FOOTBALL MATCHES
This sounds simple, but you’d be surprised how many people like to plug maverick xMinute risks to farm engagements. Oscar Bobb has had a great pre-season. I’m sure that will mean he starts the first 8 matches. Said absolutely fucking nobody.
ERLING HAALAND IS QUITE GOOD
Haaland costs 15m for a reason. It’s because he’s the talisman for the best team in the country. He has 80 (eighty) returns in 2 seasons at a rate of one every 66 fucking minutes.
He plays Ipswich in GW2. Who didn’t even have a good defence in the Championship. I’m sure Bobb can cover him. You wankers.
Which leads me on to tip three…
DO THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ANDY MARTIN
I have a lot of time for Andy. He’s a Grass FC ambassador, porridge enthusiast and teddy picker sympathiser. He’s also wrong about everything 90% of the time. And the 10% he’s right, he will dine out on for fucking years.
Seriously, just do the reverse.
DON’T PICK MORE THAN ONE RANDOWAGON
I’m seeing teams with Rodgers, Murphy, Elanga and Adam Armstrong in. Are you fucking insane? Pick one punt and hang your hat on it. Do you really think all these chancers are gonna smash it out the park whilst Saka, Palmer, Son & Salah put their fucking feet up?
KNOW WHAT CAPTAINCY IS
It doubles your points. You got that? Right, so use it wisely you cock ticklers. Don’t take a wild punt on Garnacho week one cos you’re feeling the fucking vibes. Stick it on the best attacker, in the best team, with the best fixture. Always and forever.
Unless it’s a double GW then cheap promoted forwards ARE FUCKING LIT.
DON’T PLAY BENCH BOOST/WILDCARD GW1/2
This is seriously the worst tactic in the history of FPL and people do it every year. “But I got a great start” says Matt from Liverpool as he then drops out of the top 10k to eventually finish 1m.
Why in the name of Christ would you use the BB chip with so many unknowns. At least wait until GW7.
WATCH AN ACTUAL FUCKING GAME
Sure, you can just plug your cock into FPL Review and let it bring you to climax now, but is that actually as satisfying as sleeping with a real human being?
Just watch a fucking game from time to time. Understand how space and positioning works. Touch grass. Please for the love of god touch grass.
ROTATING PAIRS ARE THE DEVILS SPAWN
No serious FPL player rotates cheap defenders or keepers. They just pretend they do to farm content.
They will just pick the XI players they want with a couple of bench options to come in from time to time for poor fixtures.
You know, like fucking grown ups.
STOP FALLING FOR THIS TRAP DICKWADS
SAVE ALL YOUR TRANSFERS
This year we get 5 rolled transfers. That’s basically the only fucking change because the mystery chip is just a Ponzi scheme for content creators. Just save them to give you a dopamine hit in a month. What have you got to lose? You’re already playing fantasy fucking football.
DON’T PLAY FPL
I cannot stress this enough. What the actual fuck are you doing with your life playing a fantasy game when you could be out there discovering the real world.
Sailing? Climbing? Fishing? Fucking? Not all at the same time that’s dangerous.
Hold on… SOME OF YOU PLAY MULTIPLE FANTASY GAMES!?
This is why my cat manages my team. I’m out there touching cloth day in day out whilst he’s locked inside listening to fantasy podcasts like a wanker.
Look at his stupid face. He probably owns Muniz and Gibbs-White. LIKE A GOD.
One love. HM.
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