TEAM OF THE WEEK – GAMEWEEK 8 – THE UNTOUCHABLES
Missing players, failing players, ghost assists, cartels, hoods, gangsters, own goals, red cards and strikers who couldn’t hit a urinal from 2 feet. Just a regular fucking gameweek then.
FPL is back and it’s madder than ever. Let’s dive in.
AREOLA – 4.5 – WEST HAM UTD
From 1-1 to 4-1 in the blink of an eye, Areola watched his defence throw the towel in quicker than a mouse faced with a Grizzly Bear.
To make matters worse, he was then inexplicably credited with an own goal for having the gall of trying to save a deflection from his defender.
I mean, is that the fucking rules now? That if some dickhead defender sticks his leg out and diverts a ball towards the net the keeper gets credited with the own goal if it touches him on the way in?
That would only make sense if the attacker didn’t get the assist though right?
OH FUCK OFF
AJER – 4.5 – BRENTFORD
Yet to keep a clean sheet this season, Brentford allowed a side who hadn’t scored in 87 hours as many chances as they possibly wanted to finally win a match.
Ajer is a terrible defender. He can’t tackle, he can’t head a ball, and he can’t do fuck all at the other end either. Like you know, find another job dude.
DAVIS – 4.5 – IPSWICH
It’s all very well owning a player who might get an assist, but if he plays for a team that are complete toilet, it does sort of dampen the appeal.
Terrible at the back and pressing Everton with all the intensity of a newborn grabbing your finger.
But you know, he took a corner, so the points will come.
RUBEN – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY
Manchester City haven’t kept a clean sheet since the first game of the season. That’s fine if you’re Josko Gvardiol smashing in thunder bastards from 25 yards… but it’s less good if you’re an ailing defender with zero goal threat and your first name on your shirt like a twat.
SALIBA – 6.0 – ARSENAL
Almost anybody who wildcarded in GW6 is currently picking themselves up off the floor, but those who went Saliba and the double Arsenal defence are knocked out cold.
The “best defender in the league” has 0 points in 4 matches and will miss Liverpool. Which at least means owners will get some points from the fucking bench.
SMITH-ROWE – 5.7 – FULHAM
Playing as a number 10, at home, and recording an xGI of 0.00 is basically the definition of not turning up for fucking work. No shots, no chances created, no key passes.
Essentially an ether wearing a football shirt.
DIBLING – 4.6 – SOUTHAMPTON
Touted by the Cartel as the must own 4.5m midfielder, Tyler Dibling promptly did absolutely fuck all in a 5 goal thriller.
Still, let’s be fair, given almost no popular attackers are actually bothering to score any goals, you may as well own somebody who costs nothing.
DIAZ – 8.0 – LIVERPOOL
Few players better illustrate my FPL season to date than Luis Diaz. Essentially peak Ronaldo when I ignored him, he has since been peak Antony upon entering my team.
Shit, dropped, dropped again. Like a massive turd that I can’t even fucking flush.
DCL – 6.0 – EVERTON
In the last 4 matches, Calvert-Lewin has had 27 touches in the box, 14 attempts at goal, 5 big chances and accumulated a xG of 2.16.
A blind man would statistically have scored by now.
It is rare to witness such a high level of guttural incompetence, unchecked, in real time.
HAALAND – 15.4 – MANCHESTER CITY
The 2nd best Norwegian striker on the pitch played like he didn’t even know what sport it was. Three blanks in a row has seen Cartel Ring Leader Ben Crelin leap from 2.3m to 100k in just 4 weeks.
Luck? Insider training? Or just the absolute mother fucking goat.
SOLANKE – 7.7 – TOTTENHAM
Unlike DCL, Solanke seems to be more interested in the selfless art of creating space for others to run into. Indeed, he was regularly sunning himself on the halfway line during counter attacks.
This is great for the team of course, but absolutely fucking useless when you own the cunt in FPL
SUMMARY
We don’t even get a full week off. Three nights sleep and then BAM… we open our arse cheeks once again and invite the appendage of FPL to explore every inch of our lifeless corpses.
Christ, that was a bit dark wasn’t it.
What a fucking week.
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