TEAM OF THE WEAK – THE STORY SO FAR
It’s GW12, the final international break for months is almost fucking over. Every twat and his dog is now on Bluesky.
But who have been the worst 11 players to own so far? Let’s dive in. It’s the Team of the Weak so far.
AREOLA – 4.3 – WEST HAM UTD
Amassing just 15 points in 8 matches, the French nipple tickler was then dropped straight after allegedly scoring an own goal. He now finds himself behind a near 40-year-old Fabianski.
Imagine if you started the season rotating him and Flekken? Just walk away. Off a cliff.
PORRO – 5.5 – TOTTENHAM
After the first two games of the season, Porro has scored just 20 points and kept a single clean sheet. It’s all very well having attacking threat, but he plays for fucking Spurs.
People STILL own him. People are still RECOMMENDING him.
This is questionable soggy biscuit eating.
LEWIS – 4.9 – MANCHESTER CITY
People bought Rico Lewis for a fabricated goal threat and clean sheets from a Rodri-less defence.
He is never going to score, City are now shite, and Michael Keane currently has more points than him having played less games.
There are better AND cheaper assets. Get rid of him.
SALIBA – 6.0 – ARSENAL
A barely believable 4 points in his last 7 matches, few decisions have bitten harder than the double Arsenal defence on WC6.
Costing you a whopping 6m, owning Saliba has been like urinating into a puddle as it’s struck by lightening.
BARCO – 4.0 – BRIGHTON
Touted as THE 4m defender to own by an anonymous FPL content creator, Barco was instead deemed surplus to requirements right after the first deadline and shipped off to Spain.
Where he has played 90 minutes twice, has been total shit… and is now on his way back.
SO DON’T SELL YET PEOPLE.
MITOMA – 6.4 – BRIGHTON
xLively GOD Mitoma is still tricking FPL players into owning him. Myopically hoping for that one, mythical mega haul that will never come.
Averages a return every 230 minutes and has been outscored by Rutter in half the time.
And Buonanotte. Who now plays for fucking Leicester.
EZE – 6.6 – CRYSTAL PALACE
No player symbolises the struggles of Analytics FC this campaign more than Eberechi Eze. Just two returns from a sky high xGI, and now injured to boot.
Fucking thanks for coming mate. What’s your encore? Fisting us with a mace?
RASHFORD – 6.9 – MANCHESTER UTD
Remember when Rashford was getting compared with Foden and Saka? These days he wouldn’t even get compared with Tyler Dibling.
Not so much disappointing as simply existing. It’s like watching a Hot Air Balloon with a slow puncture gradually descend into an abyss.
CALVERT-LEWIN – 5.7 – EVERTON
We all knew it was coming. Hell, it’s still fucking going on.
bUt HE hAs bRenTForD nExT
SEVEN complete blanks in a row. A walking, talking pisspot of a striker.
Cut the chord. Stop the rot. End the pain.
DON’T LOOK BACK ORPHEUS
MUNIZ – 5.6 – FULHAM
On the one hand, starting a train to encourage everybody to buy a striker near guaranteed to score v Leicester and Ipswich and seeing him publicly wet himself is pretty bad.
On the other… that was on X. Would never fucking happen on Bluesky.
Viva la revolution.
ARMSTRONG – 5.1 – SOUTHAMPTON
The only thing worse than starting the season with a Fulham striker, was starting with a Southampton one.
The ghost of Christmas shit, urine and semen rolled in to one. Adam Armstrong averages a goal every 700 (seven HUNDRED minutes) in the top flight.
How is that even possible as a forward.
SUMMARY
Ready to go again? You do realise a new social media platform doesn’t reset your rank right? It’s still sat there, ready to be pounded again as the Premium you DON’T own lines up to score 4 fucking goals this weekend.
Let’s do this. Let’s fucking go.
One love. HM.
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