TEAM OF THE WEAK – THE FINAL BLOODY MESS
It’s over. It’s done. Let us see what XI luminaries made their way into the FPL Team of the Weak. The end of the season edition.
All visuals by the absolutely wonderful @fpldoodles1 – a light in the FPL community of fucking blackness.
Let’s dive the hell in. One. Last. Time.
EDERSON
Still a member of Analytics FC, if surely now sneaking in the back door wearing a fucking trench coat, Ederson was piss poor even by his own desperate standards
He kept just 11 clean sheets and was subbed off a ridiculous 4 times
Dean Henderson made more saves. And didn’t play the first half of the season
AIT-NOURI
A player who would injure himself taking a shit, Ait-Nouri gate crashed his way into our late squads with two double digits OOP hauls. He then blanked ten times in a row and left the pitch like Saka after a dry wank.
I’ve seen lesser trolls in Nordic fantasy movies.
CASH
As eponymous names go, Cash is basically the current cost of living crisis. He has kept just 3 clean sheets all season playing for the team finishing 4th – which is a mildly incredible display of points dodging.
A player so bad he doesn’t know whether to piss or shit himself at any given time.
He’s been worse than a pound shop dildo. And yes, they exist.
ESTUPINAN
Touted as one of THE must buy GW1 players, Pervis bagged 18 points in his first two game weeks. He has amassed 39 in the 36 since.
Injured, then shit, then forced into a back 3. I’m pretty sure after Easter he just wandered off into the desert.
MARTINELLI
FPL manages decried Marti’s mere 7.5m price tag at the start of the season, only for him to prove time and time again… what an absolute fucking waste of money that was.
He finished the season with 1 goal in his last 14 matches and with splinters in his arse.
Still, he ALMOST won a title so who’s the real loser.
GREALISH
Spending the entire year drunk off the back of a treble is a hell of a power play. Grealish, who cost £100m lest we forget, has mustered just 1 goal and 3 assists the whole season.
Does he give the remotest of fucks? No, he doesn’t. And sometimes, you just have to respect that.
STERLING
Starting the season bouncing between hapless blanks and monster hauls like the troll of old, Sterling looked to be one of the bargains of the campaign.
He was then put into cryogenic storage to allow Cole Palmer to turn Chelsea into his own personal stats padding circuit.
Last season waving goodbye to his England caps. Forever.
ANTONY
2 returns. Two.
In his entire Man Utd career to date, Antony averages a league return every 380 minutes.
He costs £86m and has earned a further £20m in wages since he has been with the club.
He is the underside of a toilet basin at Glastonbury. The fucking state of him.
TONEY
Absent after a 6 month world tour on behalf of his greatness to football, Toney was treated like the hero he is upon returning to Brentford.
He ended the season with no goals in 14 GWs.
As comebacks go, this was worse than Guns N Roses without Slash.
Although they did do a song called Sorry. Which would have been a fucking start Ivan.
JOAO PEDRO
Promising so much, and delivering so little, Joao Pedro tortured us with hope of becoming the best budget striker in FPL.
On penalties, for a team that attack at will… he proceeded to go randomly missing time and time again.
He didn’t complete 90 minutes until GW16. He then smashed 16 points against Spurs, before blanking 3 times immediately after and vanishing for a month.
He returned to score just one goal in the last 9 GWs.
Which was from a penalty. That he missed.
DARWIN
The numbers rarely tell the whole story.
11 goals from an XG of 17
108 attempts
33 big chances
An attempt every 19 minutes
Okay yeah, they pretty much tell the story. That’s on me.
By the end. Even Jurgen Klopp had stopped picking him.
But not Andy Martin.
SUMMARY
10 WEEKS WITH NO FPL.
Breath it in people. Get out there and enjoy the sun. Touch grass you lunatic addicts. Reach out to your loved ones and say you won’t do it all over again.
And whatever you do, don’t waste your fucking summer playing another fantasy game.
One Love. HM.
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