TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK TWELVE – THE CRAPENING
Another week of blood boiling, piss stained, volcanic horseshit as leprechaun shagging variance milkers dance in a meadow of 4 leaf clovers, whilst I’m sat looking for points like Marky fucking Mark.
Let us dive in. It’s Team of the Weak time.
MCCARTHY – 4.3 – SOUTHAMPTON
McCarthy managed to make 8 saves and still be the worst player on the pitch. Gifting Liverpool two goals, he then went the right way for Salah’s penalty but just refused to raise his hands in case they got torn off.
Which would have been a fucking blessing.
BASSEY – 4.5 – FULHAM
A performance of totemic ineptitude, Bassey, Shirley no relation, allowed Wolves the freedom of his own fucking penalty box. He completed zero tackles and duels… that’s literally your job mate.
Anybody who didn’t own Cunha was in serious FPL Discomfort…
WALKER – 5.2 – MANCHESTER CITY
The entire City backline was terrible, but at this point playing Kyle Walker is like breaking one of your ankles before stepping on to the pitch.
He has gone from great, to good, to average to oh my fucking god what is happening in like 6 months.
ROBERTSON – 5.9 – LIVERPOOL
Speaking of players in decline, Arne Slot is doing such a good job that it’s going barely unnoticed that he is consistently playing a drunk child at full back.
Robertson got 43 assists in 4 seasons once. He now has 2 in his last 2 years.
DIGNE – 4.7 – ASTON VILLA
People bought him. People actually bought him. In November 2024 people used real transfers on Lucas Digne.
There are no words. No decision in history has been more deserving of failure than this.
You absolute fucking pillocks.
GARNACHO – 6.4 – MANCHESTER UTD
Certain Utd players will need to improve, and fast, under their new manager.
Garnacho is a diamond so rough he’s essentially coal.
He has laid on just 10 chances all season, at a rate less than such creative luminaries as Ryan Christie, Ashley Young & Will fucking Hughes.
SEMENYO – 5.7 – BOURNEMOUTH
In services to trolldom that would make Darwin Nunez blush, Antoine Semenyo has scored 10 points against Manchester City and 6 points v Brighton, Brentford, Villa & Leicester combined.
He’s got Wolves next, who always concede.
Aaaaaand he’s suspended. Just stab me twice just to make sure mate.
MCNEIL – 5.6 – EVERTON
Failing with over half of this final balls and missing 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 chances himself, this was pathetic stuff from Everton’s best attacking player.
Everton’s best attacking player. Let that sink in. Like winning Bake Off against 11 bastards who are gluten free.
SMITH-ROWE – 5.8 – FULHAM
Smith-Rowe is one of those players where on his day, he glides across the pitch like a majestic big cat, narrated by David Attenborough.
And then on others, like this, he pisses himself at a family picnic narrated by James Corden.
JOELINTON – 6.0 – NEWCASTLE
The performance of a drunken sailor, who has been told that if he doesn’t touch another human being every 30 seconds, he will be made to walk the plank.
I honestly don’t think he knows what sport this is half the time.
HAALAND – 15.1 – MANCHESTER CITY
Okay Erling, you’ve had your fun. We know you can score goals whenever you want to, but this Calvert-Lewin impersonation World Tour has to fucking end. NOW.
It’s not big, it’s not clever. And it’s certainly not fucking humble.
SUMMARY
Are you still here? Jesus Christ you poor bastards. Imagine investing this much in a game to be 2.5m after 12 weeks. Writing a ridiculous thread for FPL Turnstile or Fantasy Dormouse to not even bother to read.
Could never be me. One love. Or whatever. HM.
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