TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK FRIDAY THE 13th – MONKEY GOES TO HELL
Quitting is for fucking losers. And lord knows, I’m a loser.
But I’ve picked myself back up, hosed the shit and vomit off my clothes, and am ready to go again.
Let’s dive in. It’s Team of the Weak time yet again.
MARTINEZ – 5.0 – AVL
A first half of unique incompetence saw Martinez beaten at his near post, play a clearance straight to Jackson, pick up a back pass and then feign an injury to avoid the embarrassment of coming out for the second half.
Just pathetic.
BRANTHWAITE – 4.8 – EVE
It’s hard to know if this performance was genuine. Has Jarrad Branthwaite ever played worse? Was this just a long play tactic to ensure Utd don’t move for him in January?
Whatever the reason, I’ve seen better defending from a toddler armed with a squishmallow.
KILMAN – 4.5 – WHU
A flat out horror show. And not a good one. Or even a so good it’s bad one. Just a fucking terrible one.
Where you’ve been tied to a tree embedded with nails forced to watch it. In slow motion.
After you’ve FUCKING sold Saka.
COADY – 4.0 – LEI
Remember Connor Coady? Ruud Van Nistelrooy clearly does. Because his first act as Leicester manager was to put him in the starting XI for the first time this season.
He conceded 4 goals and played with the aura of a man who had forgotten what sport he was getting paid for.
AIT NOURI – 4.9 – WOL
A pound shop Marcos Alonso, Ait Nouri is poetry in motion when he’s bombing forward with reckless abandon.
But as the great Eden Hazard once said when Alonso was ahead of him in almost every attack “Marcos, you play full back. Defend. Please”
SOUCEK – 4.9 – WHU
Mercurial at St James Park in the previous game, Soucek was liquid buffalo shit here. The West Ham midfield afforded Odegaard & Saka the freedom of the entire pitch, almost entirely ignorant to the fact that… you know… they might fucking do something with that space.
ROGERS – 5.3 – AVL
Fading faster than his manager’s hairline, Morgan Rogers has blanked three games in a row and looks like he’s just ran a fucking marathon.
He made just ten passes, with zero touches in the box, shots or chances created.
He could have been a traffic cone.
TONALI – 5.5 – NEW
Sandro Tonali has started 5 games for Newcastle since returning from a 10 month ban for arriving in the Bigg Market and immediately betting on everything he laid eyes on.
Newcastle haven’t won any of them.
I hear he can’t even make a fucking pizza.
FODEN – 9.1 – MCI
Phil Foden is the reigning PFA player of the year. Words that feel like a multiverse ago at this point. He has just one assist in 10 appearances this season and has blanked in 5 starts in a row.
Marcus Rashford has scored more goals under Amirom than Foden has in 25 matches for club and country.
SON – 9.9 – TOT
Missing a great chance early, Son responded by rolling his sleeves up and producing near 90 minutes of brushing your teeth with the toilet brush.
Spurs are just the wildest team in World Football. Each and every match is like rolling a dice with no clue how it will land.
PEDRO – 5.7 – BHA
Bought by 8m FPL managers in a single GW, Joao Pedro took one look at a Southampton team playing their 3rd choice keeper and decided to take the night off.
Which was nice for him. At least Dominic Solanke had the decency to not even show up at all.
SUMMARY
One day? One fucking day and we’re back to this shit again. And people say the gods are kind.
7 of my team managed 8 points this week. My keepers scored a combined minus score. I sold Saka to send my kids to college.
And for fucking WHAT.
We go again. HM.
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