TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 7 – HA HA LAND
Another week done and dusted as we’re fisted into the stratosphere of shit that is the international break.
Let’s see which calamitous cockstains made their way into these hallowed halls this week.
Yup, it’s Team of the Weak time. Let’s dive in.
EDERSON – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY
Owning Ederson at this stage is a barometer for whether you should leave somebody alone with your kids. He is a terrible FPL asset. He almost never makes saves, never hauls and regularly gives goals away out of boredom.
8.5% of players need investigating.
WALKER-PETERS – 4.4 – SOUTHAMPTON
Saints have now conceded a barely credible 36 chances from their left channel. Semenyo, Mbuemo, Garnacho, Saka… time and time again an oppositions best player has been a right winger.
This isn’t fucking rocket science Russell you astro turd.
AKANJI – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY
Akani is the most underrated defender in the league said the commentators at the start of this match.
As such, it was only fitting that he would be total toilet before being dragged after an hour and put into storage until Adama Traore retires.
SEMEDO – 4.5 – WOLVES
A practical joke of a defender, Nelson Semedo has conceded a goal for every 35 minutes he’s spent on the pitch this season.
He cannot tackle. He cannot head a ball. He was made one interception and one block the entire campaign.
If he was a planet he’d be undiscovered.
UDOGIE – 4.9 – TOTTENHAM
2-0 up at half time, any normal side would have closed the game out in a calm and professional manner. Not Ange’s Spurs. Udogie was central to the collapse, at fault for two of the goals and generally playing like a man waiting for the pub to open.
Are you not entertained.
GORDON – 7.3 – NEWCASTLE UTD
Catastrophically horseshit, Anthony Gordon missed a penalty, a whites of the eyes one on one, and generally ran around like an aimless greyhound who had lost the track and was just chasing every fucking rabbit in sight.
Quite spectacularly awful.
EZE – 6.8 – CRYSTAL PALACE
28 touches in the box, 27 attempts on goal, 5 big chances, 14 chances created, 19 crosses, 12 corners.
Eberechi Eze has returned once this season in what is fast becoming the biggest points dodge in history.
His xGI is higher than Chris Wood and Pedro combined.
ROGERS – 5.3 – ASTON VILLA
Looking more sleep deprived than parents with week old twins, Morgan Rogers slept ran his way through a messy performance of temerarious ineptitude.
All ending in the inevitable blank that happens every time I bother to put the twatsock in my starting XI
WARD-PROWSE – 6.2 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST
Apparently now a Nottingham Forest player, JWP got his deckchair out and planted it centre circle ready to take set pieces. Whilst this deckchair was still more useful than Enzo Fernandes, he sadly left it to fall over, catch the ball and got sent off.
Like a pillock.
JACKSON – 7.9 – CHELSEA
Is there some sort of rule this season that as soon as I buy strikers they forget what their fucking job is? Just one fucking game where they hit the back of the net would be nice you collective bunch of herculean arse clowns.
THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE PAID TO DO!
THE ENTIRE MAN UTD ATTACK
5 goals in 7 matches, 3 of which were against Saints. This rag ten hag bunch of overpaid misfits haven’t scored at all in 3 games.
This is a team that has cost over a half a billion pounds to assemble, and who’s best player was 36 year old Jonny Evans.
Utterly pathetic.
SUMMARY
2 weeks off. Thank fuck. Hit me with that sweet relief of not watching players I buy get booked, fall over and flush their careers down the fucking toilet rather than try and get me some actual bastard points.
Embrace the nether. One Love. HM.
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