TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 5 – THREE COLOURS SHITE
A weak of almost molten excrement, culminating in a Sunday where my personal team wasn’t so much shat on, but violently assaulted in a back alley and left for dead.
Let’s do this. It’s the latest Team of the Weak.
JOHNSTONE – 4.4 – WOLVES
Not a single save in a 3-goal loss. Essentially turning up to work drunk, and immediately falling asleep.
It’s hard to keep track of the goalkeeping merry go round that is the bottom half of the table. Are they just playing fucking Pokémon down there?
HUJISEN – 4.5 – BOURNEMOUTH
Anybody know who this is? No, didn’t think so. Plays for Bournemouth, allegedly. Looks like he’s won a competition to play in the Premier League and is trying to enjoy it as much it as possible.
Not sure he managed that here. He even let Darwin Nunez score.
PINNOCK – 4.5 – BRENTFORD
I can’t remember the last time Brentford kept a clean sheet, but it feels like it was in the golden era of film in the late 90s.
They look like they just don’t know how to anymore. Pinnock has 5 points from 5 games and couldn’t defend a castle from an army of hamsters.
BURN – 4.5 – NEWCASTLE
It’s the Autumn of 2024, and Dan Burn is still starting games for Newcastle United. Every week I think it can’t happen again. Eddie Howe can’t physically go to his team sheet and put him there.
Is his name in permanent fucking marker? If he removes it, will he die?
What the actual fuck mate.
WALKER – 5.3 – MANCHESTER CITY
Jogged back for the first goal, positionally awful for the second. He then tried to score from 40 yards throughout the entire of the second half.
Was finally replaced… by the player who scored the equaliser.
Utter shit. Go get Rico Lewis.
FERNANDES – 8.3 – MANCHESTER UTD
I’m not sure what’s up with Bruno Fernandes this season, is he the star of Speed 3?
He gave the ball away 34 times with a barely 70% pass competition rate. It honestly feels like if he doesn’t make a pass within 1 second, he will explode.
KUDUS – 6.3 – WEST HAM UTD
Yet to return this season, few players have started as poorly as Mohammed Kudus.
22 touches in the box. 12 attempts. He has attempted a staggering 40 dribbles. Although sadly he has failed with half of them.
He’s certainly trying. He’s just been fucking shit.
GIBBS-SHITE – 6.4 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST
A faintly mad performance from Gibbs-White, where he was unplayable in the first half, helped create both Forest goals, and then just randomly decided to get himself sent off.
Followed up a cynical tackle with a wild slide, then had a tantrum. Bet he doesn’t even own himself in FPL.
The bastard.
TOSSARD – 6.9 – ARSENAL
Sent off within 45 minutes in a game where Arsenal had muscled their way to a 2-1 lead. The first yellow was stupid, the second was even worse.
Still, at least he properly committed to it rather than Declan’s virginal little tiki-taka.
FUCKING ‘AV IT LADS
VARDY – 5.7 – LEICESTER CITY
14 touches in 82 minutes and 0 shots. Leicester could have replaced him with a sheep and I’m not sure anybody would have noticed.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I fucking love the Sheffield party bus. But it’s 2024. Is there honestly nobody else?
CALVERT-LEWIN – 6.0 – EVERTON
I’m not sure why I trusted him. I may as well have gone down to the local races and slung my cash on a fucking llama.
5 clear chances, all missed, including one at the death which would have been scored by an apparition.
Thanks mate. Now fuck off.
SUMMARY
What a ridiculous game this is. Casuals with Welbeck, Diaz and Haaland perma captain lording it over Analytics FC like the last days of Rome.
No wait, that actually sounds pretty good.
The king is dead. Long live the king.
HM
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