TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 3 – TITANS OF PISS
Another weekend of relentless pain comes to a crushing and hopeless end. Especially if you owned any of these urine soaked morons.
Let us dive in.
POPE – 5.0 – NEWCASTLE
A truly dreadful performance, like a marionette being remotely controlled by Martin Dubravka.
Not content with showing the distribution of a DPD driver, Pope then shovelled a routine shot straight out to Johnson, before then fisting it at Dan Burn to score an own goal.
WALKER-PETERS – 4.5 – SOUTHAMPTON
A defensive performance from Saints that could politely be described as naïve… and impolitely described as a piss up at the amateur dramatics society.
KWP record zero tackles, zero interceptions, zero blocks and didn’t win a single header or duel.
What a twat.
KILMAN – 4.5 – WEST HAM UTD
Few defenders will come out smelling of roses playing up against Haaland this season, but not many will likely emerge covered in as much shit as this.
Kilman played like a rat fleeing a sinking ship, running aimlessly in panic missing tackles and headers in reckless abandon.
PORRO – 5.5 – TOTTENHAM
Pedro Porro had 6 shots in the game, none of which were remotely close to the target. He consistently abandoned his day job to fuck off up the other end like he was backpacking around the alps.
Which is fitting, as some of his efforts came down with fucking snow on top.
RICE – 6.4 – ARSENAL
You could argue the red card was harsh. But you could also argue it was just desserts for utter petulance in a climate where players know they can’t delay restarts in such a manner.
Either way it was funny to see Arsenal’s title chances end in August.
CASIMIRO – 5.0 – MANCHESTER UTD
As bad a 45 minutes as you’ll likely to see in professional sport, Casimiro, who can’t even spell his own fucking name, basically just throw up all over Old Trafford… and then fell head first into it.
Was anybody even surprised? Bald is best. Just not Ten Hag.
DOUCOURE – 5.4 – EVERTON
Dropped after two terrible performances, Everton were 2-0 up when Doucoure entered the fray, replacing the excellent Iliman Ndiaye on 83 minutes. 7 minutes later, they had lost 2-3.
Now I’m not blaming him per se. But you know, if you turn up at a crime scene covered in blood and holding the knife… people are gonna ask questions.
ODOBERT – 5.5 – TOTTENHAM
A starting attacker for Spurs at 5.5 could be absolute gold? Said absolutely fucking nobody after watching this performance.
Consistently getting in good positions and then wetting himself, he was finally withdrawn on 73 minutes as Son was reduced to actual tears.
GARNACHO – 6.5 – MANCHESTER UTD
Man Utd fans love to dunk on Rashford, who creates more chances per 90 for his team mates than Garnacho does in a season.
As selfish a player as you’ll likely to find, he failed with all dribbles, created fuck all and left the field to go straight to barbers.
EVANILSON – 6.0 – BOURNEMOUTH
I’m not really sure what this heat map is, or what Bournemouth’s new striker really is either.
He made just 7 passes, only once got in the box and had one shot… that didn’t reach the goal.
His side then scored 3 without him.
MUNIZ – 6.1 – FULHAM
The Fulham number 9 has now had 11 attempts this season and missed them all. His hold up play remains on point, but no striker can continue to miss chance after chance with such hapless incompetence.
Less of a train and more a broken fucking skateboard.
SUMMARY
3 weeks down, 35 left to go. My OR is in the deep millions and I have more flames to put out than Fireman fucking Sam.
Embrace these 2 weeks. Please, please take a fucking break from this bastard game and tell somebody that you love them.
As long as it’s not EriK Ten fucking Hag.
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