KEY FPL MIDFIELDERS IF THEY WERE TYPES OF CHEESE
Confused by the choice available to you this season for your FPL midfielders slots? Well, look no further, because this guide will help you imagine them as cheeses. So just pick the ones you want to eat the most!
Unless you’re a vegan or hate cheese, in which case, I dunno, play Sorare. Or fantasy golf.
SALAH – GOUDA
The daddy of cheeses. Been around for ages and delivers time after time again. Doubts remain if it can keep it up, with accusations of new packaging masking an inferior product within. But still mad to tip up to a picnic without it.
PALMARSAN
On offer last season when you put it on everything. You’ve only realised how unbelievably expensive it actually is.
Now spending your time searching around for cheap imitations because you’re too tight to pay what it’s fucking worth.
SAKA – MOZZARELLA
A model of consistency and incredibly versatile. Soft as shit but surprisingly hard to actually break.
Sure, vegans and Andy Martin will try and replace it with pine nuts. But that’s just fucking mental.
SON – HALLOUMI
Is it even a cheese? Spends half it’s time up front rather than on the side.
A consistent starter as well as a reliable finisher. Can easily be overcooked however, which can result in a substandard, almost “knackered” taste.
FODEN – LANCASHIRE
A local lad with a strong record at home. Certainly not everybody’s cup of tea and has often been accused of getting in the way of others. Complete shite on the international circuit.
Seriously, never take this abroad.
FERNANDES – MANCHEGO
An aggressive, often brilliant cheese that when used as the centre piece can bring a whole meal together. Regularly paired with filth by idiots who don’t know how to use it. Never stops fucking whining about how unfairly it’s been treated.
ODEGAARD – JARLSBERG
Never entirely sure what it is, but always incredibly reliable in the right conditions. You know there are better cheeses available but if you can’t be arsed to think, will absolutely do a job.
JOTA – FETA
Absolutely lovely on its day, which in this country is about 2 weeks of the year. The rest of the time it looks great but just fucking crumbles at the first sign of a challenge.
GORDONZOLA
Much stronger than you’d think. Looks fucking awful but strangely effective.
Criminally ignored by international tasters. Don’t drive to Newcastle to find it, as now more likely to be available in Liverpool.
MADDISON – CREAM CHEESE
A relatively versatile cheese that is great at spreading. But unlike most on this list, goes off within days of being opened. Like seriously mate, is it too much to ask that you last longer than a fucking week after I add you to my basket.
BOWEN – STILTON
Never looks appealing but regularly delivers. Often seen as boring but much better than the sum of its parts. Under new ownership so appeal may well be dented. Nobody really likes admitting they like it.
MBEUMO – BABYBELL
A red and white farce that shouldn’t at any stage work yet somehow does. Can be dropped over and over it and rarely breaks. Always cheaper than it should be. You’re going to buy it at some stage even though you don’t want to.
EZE – PANEER
A wildly underrated cheese that isn’t always available. It’s great for your blood pressure, until you can’t find it anywhere and have to make cauliflower curry again and slowly die inside.
RASHFORD – CHEDDAR
Been around for much longer than you think and utterly unpredictable in its quality. Unplayable one minute, inedible the next. Often pissing around with other flavours rather than concentrating on it’s day job.
NKUNKU – CAMEMBERT
Incredibly cheap for what it is, but needs the right conditions to thrive. Experts continue to argue on its potential, but it’s almost certainly worth taking a bite out of it. Even if you’ll throw it back up later with regret.
MGW – GOATS CHEESE
Needs little introduction. A continuously ignored gem that often plays a supporting role to other flavours. Sometimes the best option is right there ready to pick up. Don’t overthink it.
BAILEY – COMTE
Aged for years before it finally reaches it’s fucking potential. Even then it’s often shit. Worth persisting with however, because when it’s good, it’s fucking great. One of the best value cheeses on the market.
NETO – WOTSITS
Orange, runs everywhere, and implodes on impact.
Seriously don’t even open the fucking bag.
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