TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 6 – WHERE THE WILDCARDS ARE
It would honestly just be quicker to copy and paste my entire fucking team. But let’s try and do this properly.
Jesus Christ what a week.
RAYA – 5.6 – ARSENAL
With his “injury” dominating the twittersphere in the run up to the game, it was almost inevitable that Raya would tip up, do fuck all, and concede twice.
None of the other keepers did much either. But at least they’re fucking cheap.
DALOT – 5.1 – MANCHESTER UTD
Started the game by gently jogging back to help give Spurs the lead, he then misplaced multiple passes, missed several tackles, got booked and made Brennan Johnson look like peak Ronaldo.
Ten Hag is still his manager though. So he is essentially an orphan out there.
DIGNE – 4.6 – ASTON VILLA
People actually bought Lucas Digne after two returns. This is the FPL equivalent of seeing a lit match and dousing yourself in petrol. He has scored 1 and 0 since. Which was absolutely fucking inevitable.
Be grateful you don’t have minus points you reckless cockwombles.
LEWIS – 4.7 – MANCHESTER CITY
In one of many, many wildcard mistakes, clued up FPL Expert Ferret Fisters replaced Gvardiol with a cheaper, more vibrant player with a better haircut.
They got exactly what they deserved. Like downing a pint because it’s sterile and they like the taste.
DUNK – 4.6 – BRIGHTON
Like a towering colossus of molten garbage, Lewis Dunk expertly marshalled the high line of Brighton will all the nous of a toddler trying to aim piss into a pot.
Maybe if he’d been playing against England not for them, Southgate might actually have fucking started Cole Palmer.
LITERALLY ANYBODY FROM SOUTHAMPTON
Imagine if Eric Ten Hag was managing a team that was even worse than Manchester United.
This is basically it. 11 men who not only don’t know what their job is… but don’t actually give a shit that they’re employed at all.
FERNANDES – 8.2 – MANCHESTER UTD
Captain fantastic himself. The totem of excrement that is Analytics FC season to date in one dripping orifice of awfulness.
Watching this United side is like watching somebody drown in slow motion. And diving in to drown alongside them.
DIAZ – 8.0 – LIVERPOOL
Playing like a man possessed so far this season, so it was pretty fucking obvious the second he entered my FPL team he’d soil himself.
Honestly looked like he’d forgotten how to play the game. Was complete shit, dragged and won’t start again. What the actual fuck mate?
WERNER – 6.2 – TOTTENHAM
I don’t often include people in a 3-0 win, but Timo Werner is fucking special man. Wow, just fucking WOW what a terrible attacker.
He can run. But so could Forest Gump. If life is like a box of chocolates, Werner couldn’t even fucking finish them.
CALVERT-LEWIN – 6.0 – EVERTON
Is it even worth continuing at this point? No player has hurt me more in fantasy football history, and I once owned Calum Wilson for 20 blanks and 3 serious injuries.
Arguably the worst major striker ever to play the game. He would miss his own birthday.
WOOD – 6.2 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST
In a display of tactics that would make even Ten Hag blush, Chris Wood was deployed as a number 10 against Fulham with Forest missing their talisman Gibbs-White.
He may as well have just chopped off his legs and bled out.
No wait that’s me and my FPL team again.
SUMMARY
One chip down this season and this is a complete and utter disaster. Trust the process. Good team on paper. Variance will even out. Seriously shut the fuck up.
Let’s face it, this season is like an injured deer that needs to be put down.
After you ran over it yourself.
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